Women's Guide On How To Please Your Man

1.)  Blame him for everything. He already feels he is wrong, but out of his lack of confidence he isn't sure. So he needs you to always let him know.  He appreciates it, trust me.

The sky is the limit on this one.  Hell, blame him for something your mother said even.  After all, the blame belongs with him.

2.)  Criticize his dress ware.  You know, those comments like "you're not going to wear that, are you?"  Forget the fact that your apparel may be fairly appalling (or might not be), a man needs you to dress him.  Men are only good at scratching themselves, so please...either dress him or criticize every choice in clothing he makes.  You'll straighten him out sooner or later, ladies.  Have patience.

3.)  If there's something on your mind, make the man guess at what it is.  Since he will guess wrong, please have a pre-determined guilt trip response prepared.  A man needs to feel guilty in order to think it's an actual relationship.

Guilt to a man is like a fifty-fifth pair of shoes to you.  It's like gold.

4.) While he is not allowed to flirt with women, you must flirt with men.  Obviously there is a difference, and while men will fail to understand this...it will drive them to work harder at getting you to notice them instead of other men.

He will see the light sooner or later.

5.)  If you have children with your man, ignoring him and reminding him constantly that he is not your number one focus is a must.  Somehow men forget this.  So while the children is his number one focus as well, he needs to fully understand that he is (at best) number 5 on the list.

List order:
1.) Kid(s) / Self
2.) Self / Kid(s)
3.) Any family member
4.) Any pet
5.) Maybe him, unless there is a milk man who is really cute (then refer to number 6)
6.) Last chance placeholder for Him

6.) Your man hated every hobby he ever had before you were with him.  Those were just to bide the time until you came along.  You are, after all, the woman of his dreams.  He spent his whole life yearning for somebody just like you, and nothing else.  So do away with his hobbies, or when he backslides, go back to the pre-determined guilt trip responses.  They go a long way.

7.) Exhaling quickly with a blank stare always makes a man feel like an action needs taken. So, in a situation where you feel he is falling short....the classic exhale is what a man is looking for.  But use it wisely, or it will begin to fail in its effectiveness.

8.) Consistent moods are a bad thing.  If things are too consistent, a man will get too comfy and lazy during that particular time.  He may belch and scratch himself if that happens.  So to avoid this, never be consistent.  A good beginner's approach is to change moods all of the sudden.  That'll keep him on his toes.

Happy one minute, then (exhale) disappointed.

Say it with me, ladies.

Altogether:  Happy one minute, then (exhale) disappointed.

There, you got it now!

9.)  One week each month you have the ability to treat him anyway you want, and to put the blame on the nasty little thing you are going through.  This is your right as a woman.  A man accepts this.  If he is going through a nasty ordeal, like a car accident or knee replacement.....it pales in comparison to that time of the month.  So you can't let him get sloppy.  No sympathy for him.  Tell him to suck it up.

Men are allergic to caring.  Remember that.

10.)  Least on the list, but very important.  Bathrooms belong to you.  Men have no right to have anything in there, and in fact they themselves have no right to BE in there.  Make your man take his one bottle of plain shampoo outside and bathe with the hose.  The bathroom only has room for your four different shampoos, your conditioners, body washes, loofahs, tampons, maxipads, makeup, frilly towels, fancy razors, etc.

Oh, and taking his razor to shave your legs is allowed.  He actually appreciates it.
***

'Skettie Chat

The dude ate microwaved 'sketti this week.

He made slurping noises too.

Then he asked where we were going for Party Friday.

He's a party animal, this guy.

Cute Little Guy

I made my way to see what all the fuss was about at the Women's Hospital.

Last Name Baby is a pretty great dude.

I held him for a while while he sucked on a binkie, and he just snoozed away like a little mack daddy.

My soothing powers (ha!) must have worked.

He's a nipple destroying, warm and wiggly poop machine.  

Yeah, he's pretty much my hero.

Lady you never cease to amaze me.

With your cheap spotlight grabs, disguised as something more.

You don't give a damn about a kid killing himself.  So just shut the hell up from now on.

Last Name Baby was born this morning at 8:58AM.
Congratulations, Ninja.

nobody was better.

I hear sirens at night, and it brings me back home.

I belong at home.

I've never belonged here.  But it's been nice.

You can change what you are.  You can change your surroundings.

You can never change who you are.

I just don't belong here.

Sunday Is Baby Poppin' Time

The Ninja is squeezing out the baby with a last name for a first name tomorrow!

Above is a real picture of the dude.  He kind of looks like Walter Cronkite.

So tomorrow little Cronky is gonna start the screaming, pooping, demanding, more pooping, wondering why everyone is making silly noises in his face, and....more pooping.

Congratulations, Ninja.  You'll rock as a mom.

Update 09.26.2011

False alarm on the baby squeezing I guess.

Now it's tomorrow morning (27th).

down for the count with an ear infection.
hurts like hell.

Reasons (Something Like That)

My favorite movie of all time is Nobody's Fool".  Not because it's a perfect film, or has some deep meaning.  Instead, it's a combination of reasons.  1.) I first saw the film long after it had been released, and felt it really reminded me of things from when I was growing up.  2.) It's a "real life" film in my opinion.  There isn't some big mission, or super hero trying to save a damsel in distress.  It's about people.  That's it.  3.)  I saw it during a time of huge change for myself and Awesome.  4.)  The most important reason.  Paul Newman.  My all time favorite Actor.

My favorite band is Primus.  Not because they are all over the radio, and perhaps partly because they are not....but because...1.) Every single song is like a puzzle.  If you listen to it, you will find the meaning.  And many times, the meaning is just trivial, which perfectly matches my sense of humor.  2.) The sound of the band was once unique.  Now there are plenty of copy cats.  Some bands are total copy cats, while others copy only parts.  3.)  Nothing is taken serious in a Primus song, and everything is taken serious in a Primus song.  4.) Les Claypool.  The king of the bass.  Yes. there are so many great bass players that I love, but Les plays in a way similar and totally different all at the same time.

My favorite artist, even above Les Claypool is Warren Zevon.  He and I are so similar it's scary, but I didn't know that until I read the book about his life, "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead (The Dirty Life and Times of Warren Zevon).  I will always miss Warren Zevon.

My favorite thought of a career since I was 16 was that of being an electrical engineer.  I felt this and still do for some rather interesting reasons.  1.) My father was an engineer.  However, he was a mechanical engineer.  And you can't get any more opposite than that.  Mechanical engineers never take any thought into how their designs will affect the electrical guys who inherit the landscape they create.  2.)  Lyle Taggart, my mentor and very dear friend (as well as father figure) was an electrician.  Engineer of some sort + electricity = electrical engineer.  Way to honor both men.  3.)  When I took a tour of the TCJVS (no longer in existence)  I was hypnotized by all the flashy little lights they had on display.  I was like a monkey...saying to myself "oh my them there flashy lights sho' is purrty".  Ok, I guess I was like a hillbilly monkey.  Odd, since I grew up in the city.

My favorite hero is Awesome.  Not because she was perfect, but instead because she taught me that people are what they are, and what they are is beautiful, and what they will be if they try hard enough will also be beautiful.

My favorite everything is too much to write, and there was no real reason to write this other than I wanted to.  I guess I'll stop it here, and some night when I get the urge I may write more like this.  Sure, the people who know me already know my "favorites".  But maybe the reasons were unknown.
***
I stand at the crossroads with Mr. Smiley.  And I am so close.  Eh, it happens.

Davis

I believe in eye for an eye.

Mr. Davis got eye for a lie.

I believe Troy Davis to have been innocent of the crime.

Good ole' Joja just keeps showing itself as a great state.

Thank You Hell

They say q-tips are bad.

Well, maybe I should just let the ear wax build from now on.

I was removing graphite from my ears and shoved it deeper, causing a blockage.

So, the 'ear secretions' had nowhere to go.

Now my ear is unhappy, and I'm on meds.

The job at the crap hole just keeps on giving joy to me, I tell ya.

I can't wait to go back.

Troy Davis Must Go Free

The supreme court is a murderer if they take this man's life.

Set this man free.

Back Home

We have returned.
There was a lot of grease, a lot of graphite, and a lot of fun.
The Dude showed Super K why he is king.
***

The project looms.

Maps

Got all the maps, the gear, the dip, the guns and ammo, and files I need.

Back to the crap hole we go.

Hope the Dude brings his hip waders.

word.

i know you read this.

so read this:

i'm coming for you.

period.

time to pay.

Pefect Match

I like to check my junk mail every now and then.

It's a good thing I checked.  Otherwise I might have missed the girl of my dreams.

Hang on baby!  I'm coming for you!

Breakfast With Wildman

I totally wasted Wildman's morning.

He came to get me at 8AM, and the rental car place didn't open until 9AM.

It took forever for them to get the van ready.

Then I had to go all the way home to drop off the van, then all the way back to pick up the Chef.

But he didn't answer the door or his phone.

So all the way back home I went.

But it was nice to eat with Wildman.

He's good company, y'all.

Someone Hand Wildman A Squeegie

Next week a team of us are going to Scranton.

Last time I was there, one of my favorite short posts of all time was made.

• The Dude was grumpy today because I am making him go on the road with us.
• The project manager is angry because I tried (and of course succeeded) to bring all the main engineers on the project.
• The head of engineering is angry because the project engineer is angry.

I'm not angry.

Badass Billy G. better be proud.  All I was trying to do was what was right.

Wish my ball would have shattered that guy's windshield.

Sidekick For The Dude

The Dude needed somebody to keep him in line.  I mean, the guy has been cranky lately.

So I took the Spongebob from my desk and put it on his.

He gave me an odd look (Dude, that is).

Later while getting coffee, I noticed the Dude just sitting there.  Staring at his new friend.

Looks like the Dude likes his new sidekick.

Metro-Homo-Licious

According to Yahoo!, the Biebs admits to wearing "Not Your Daughter's Jeans".

Yes, that's women's jeans.

Was there really a surprise there?

Gnite, Chia Oba-ma.

We gotta git some roundup on that bush.

She's Getting Stronger Everyday

I do believe in you.

And I know you believe in me.

Oh yeah, Oh yeah.

Getting Stronger Everyday.

You know she's alright now.

~Chicago, sort of

(Scary leaps of faith are what move people forward.  Get on with it!)

Dear Peggy, You're Full Of Crap

"

Conservative estimates are that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. "

Lady.  The truth is:

90 percent of assholes cheat.
10 percent want to.

And male or female has nothing to do with it.

So screw your ugly head on straight.

Smartest Man Of The Year Is....

...not me.

The old phone failed to work.

Crap, I just noticed that the picture I stole from the net (and put a yellow 'X' on) has a retarded logo on it.  Well, that further proves I'm not the smartest man of the year.

Anywho.

After getting bitched slapped like a hoe at the main cell phone place, I went to the OTHER cell phone place that I normally go to.  I left work with just enough time to get there.

Poor guy behind the counter was swamped.  He finally got to me after about an hour, and he tried everything he could think of.

But Mr. Sucky Phone was just not giving a poop.  It's retired, evidently.

So I buy the only phone that I was willing to pay for.

I am not incredibly happy with it.

Great signal everywhere.

Except my townhouse.

It might be able to make phone calls if I wrap it in tin foil.

Think I'm about to try that.

(It does get a better signal than the other one, but calls sound like crapola.)

When I Die

when i die

confetti from the skies

noisy party favors

and nobody cries

when i die

marching down the street

smile and greet

every person you meet

when i die

recall the good of me

when i die

fireworks so bright

lighting up the sky

throughout the night

when i die

clear the way

but don't jump just yet,

that day's not today

when i go

recall the good you know

7.5.09

It's a Man Thing

I am planning a man date with Baxter.

Cheetos, Slim Jims, and dog bones.

Since he isn't into action movies, I suppose I could pull out a comedy.  As long as it's a cool one.

You're my man, Baxter.  Even though you smell like a dog.

I...

...have touched part of the Titanic.  I couldn't believe it.  I will always remember it.

...write to Alicia.  She will spend the rest of her life in prison.  Trust me, people, she's not a monster.

...miss Sarah every day.  "Michelle" on this blog.  Yes, I just told her real first name.

..."suffer" from clinical depression.  Yes, it sucks.  But it's just another thing.  No big deal.

...no longer wake up in the middle of the night to check on Bree.  And in the morning when I wake up, the thought of that makes me sad.

...believe that drunk driving should result with the death penalty if somebody is killed because of it.

...believe in the welfare system. If it wasn't for the taxpayers of this great country, I would not have grown up and gone to college and be an engineer today.  The people that abuse welfare deserve the same as drunk drivers.  I gladly pay taxes into the welfare system.  But not for abusers.

...am small in physical appearance.  Very petite.  But I am the baddest son-of-an-awesome that ever lived.  Word.

...am losing my lower teeth.  It was bound to happen.  Braces gave me some more years, and I am thankful for that.  It was worth it.

...am losing my hair.  It's cool though.  My scalp looks pretty nice.

...really think Super K is going to be a great addition to the controls group.  Not only do we have the Z Man running the show, we have Willie as the ultimate braniac and man who keeps me at bay, and the stickman (myself) as the hug-loving, maniac with whiskey and guns,....but now we also have this guy.  Badass Billy G. will be sorely missed.  But his time it done.  It's now the Super K era.

...will miss the man who hates me more than anyone.  Badass Billy G.  I love you, man.  

...recently took the Bonnie up to 130 MPH.  In the rain.  Now that, my friends, was scary.  But when I slowed to a stop, I smiled.  Because the Bonnie has balls.  Biggens.

...miss Wildman.  He has responsibilities that are more important than just about anything.  But Dude, we had a serious bromance.  It rocked.

...envy Wildman.  Have you ever laid eyes on his family?  His wife?  Oh my God, you'd "stand tall" too if you ever saw her big, beautiful......eyes.

...have never failed evidently.  Funny how I always see myself as failing.

...literally cried when Philamena was rushed to the hospital.  And then again when she recovered and spent time with me.  Talk about tenacious.

...just admitted that I cried twice in one year, when I haven't cried for a long time prior.  Go figure.

...have started to have some odd looking toenails.  Cmon, God...what's with that?  My toenails?  Are you serious?  Dude, not cool.

...can once again bench press 150 pounds.  Wow, look at me.  Now I can overpower Betty White.  Wooooooohooooooo!

...officially started quitting dip.  The headaches hurt.  But Beam helps.

...do not hate women.  But I do hate people.  There's a huge difference there.  So the two posts I made about women recently are only a reflection of that.  So get over it.

...am going to take a nap.  Goodnight, y'all.

Malin

Every time I see Malin's smile, my heart pounds.

***

In my midnight confessions
When I tell all the world that I love you
In my midnight confessions
When I say all the things that I want to
I love you



~Grassroots

Cleveland Trip To Meet Excellent Goerge

Excellent George was informative and thorough.

I would have tipped my hat to him, but I wasn't wearing one.

Badass Billy G., Super K, and myself drove out to meet with some control dudes.  It was a productive meeting, though I feel no better about the project.

I am witnessing my own crash and burn with this project.

Word, Homies.

Advice

I got a lot of replies from THIS POST.

All from women.  Imagine that.  Not one guy emailed me.  Just females.

So in reply, Dudes this is all for you.  These are just a smattering of the rules that will get you by in life.  If you want to know what will make you excel in life, feel free to email me.  But of course, only women will email.  Because, of course, they have nothing else to do evidently.

Rules.

1.) Always tell women they are fat.  That's what they all say about themselves anyway.  Trust me, they want to hear it.

2.) "Forget" their birthday.  You get points for that.  Trust me.

3.) Understand that because she is a woman, she is inherently crazy.  So regularly put Valium in her soda pop.  Listen dudes, you are doing her a favor that she will appreciate.  If you choose not to use Valium or cannot afford it on the black market...read on...

4.)  Never change diapers.  In fact, instruct her to always be barefoot when changing diapers, and tell her that she is the only one to change diapers.  That's all she wants to do anyway.  Women only want children to clean poop.   And they always want to be barefoot and standing in the kitchen when doing it.

5.)  Getting her nothing for Christmas might score points, but you'd have to look at the situation and judge for yourself.

6.)  Only shower to prevent boils from forming on your arse.  Women love stink.  Stay as smelly as possible.

7.)  While it requires walking a thin line, the more you treat her like crap, the more she will love you.  So spend time learning the ways that she needs treated poorly.  This may take a few hours to figure out.

8.) Make her call you daddy while making love. But making love is for wimps...so just hit it like a cave man.  In fact, make her call you daddy while you are finishing within thirty-eight seconds.  You have better things to do anyway, like....nothing.

9.)  Scratch yourself in public when you are with her. In fact, scratch yourself then smell your hand.  She will be all hot and bothered after you do that.  She will rush you home, be all barefoot and change diapers real quick, and then leave the kids screaming in a closet so that you can make her call you daddy.  Trust me she wants that.

10.)  Look at every woman you come in contact with, but only when with her.  And always make sure she is never looked at.  C'mon, haven't you learned that every woman has a need to feel like she needs to try harder?

Supplemental:

Get a bumper sticker that states that women should not have the right to vote.
Dudes, they may appreciate lying, but they LOVE honesty.
So let's just be honest here.

***

To those who lovingly wrote me back....F&%# off.  Take a joke or go back to being the women you obviously are.  (And let's face it.  You're the kind that will probably always have pathetic men clinging to you.)

This Bomb Explodes When Stick Gets Angry

Bad Ass Billy G gave me this clock when he moved his stuff from his cubicle.

It had no battery, so I improvised.

Now it looks like a bomb of some sort.

Sweet.

Oh, She's Hot. (And the shirt's flippin' sweet too)

-------><--click this hottie

(Please click on the beautiful girl to go to jupmode.com)

My man John (Rohn) "liked" a picture I posted on my facebook account.

It's one of Awesome and I over the holiday weekend.

***

In response via text:

Stick:  word, homey

Mr. Amato: Looking good looking tough

Stick: Thanks to two thangs.  1.) hillbilly beard  2.) the best apparel money can buy

***

And yes, the texting happened like that, word for word.

I believe in you, John.  You have the best ideas.  And I wear the apparel constantly.

But hey.  Help a redneck out.  I have the 'stache shirt.  It's time for a fuzzy face one.

Just a request.

She's Not Just Cool...

...She's Awesome.

The world's luckiest douchebag son spent the holiday hanging out with Awesome Marsha!

In the distance, I can here a "booyah" being yelled.

Y'all wish you had it like me.

***

Check the shirt, by the way.

Phone Woes

My old phone seems to have a great signal when I turn it on.

Lately, my currently used phone has no signal in my townhouse.

If they are side by side, the old phone is "wusssup man, haven't seen you in a while.  I'm ready to go!"

The new phone is "Dude, I'm so stoned.  When can we get something to eat?"

I worked until 8PM today.

I went all the way to the phone people, only to see that they close at 6PM.

Well.  At least I can look at the bright side.  My phone won't have any chance to ring off the hook.  Mostly because it sucks.

Also because only Awesome calls me.  Everybody else I know is a textaholic.

Guess I'll consider swapping to the old phone.

After Eleven Years Of Waiting

Les brings back the greatest band.

To Whom It Concerns

There will not be any more of the things you disagree with.
You've won.
You are finally right.
So, no more worries about Stick trying to convince you otherwise.
Stick quits.

I've been chilling with Awesome for the holiday.
She brought some veggies from her garden.  Really good.
We've  also walked, seen some sights, and ate at an overpriced restaurant.
Now, we are drinking Black Label and watching TV.

Chill with your awesome.  Because chilling is an art.  You need to work on it.

Soon!

Soon, Ninja!  Soon!

Ninja's just around the corner from squeezing out the b-b-b-b-b-b-baby.

I think Paul is a great name, but she prefers oddball spellings of last names.  Like Jaxxon.  Poor kid is going to have to forgive her for that when he's an adult.

She's going to be an awesome mom, regardless.

***

(No, that isn't a picture of the Ninja.  She thinks she's "too gross" for pictures.  Women.  They make a career out of being full of crap sometimes.)

Speedway

Legends racing at the Speedway was neato.

There was an abundance of oral "tobacca" usage, a lack of teeth, tons of rebel flags, and some angry chic that looked like Winston Churchill.

I needed to fit in, so I brought the dip and wore a Jim Beam Tee Shirt.  I was like redneck eye candy.

Both Awesome Marsha and the Ninja were impressed with my total smoothness.

Word.

Texas Stain

I was mopping my bathroom floor, when I accidentally kicked the bucket and spilled it all over the beige carpet in the hallway.
There's going to be a stain.
And it's shaped like Texas.

The Chef and I took the pistoles to the range again.

I brought the jam-o-matic, the g27, and the crooked magnum.

He had his springy.

Neither of us could hit a thing with the magnum, but we did pretty good with our carry pieces.

The g27 is a man killer, y'all.

The jam-o-matic is going to a gunsmith.  Time to get it fixed.

Pretty soon: shotguns.  We'll tear some stuff up for sure.

Oh, Coco Chanel.
You poor sweetheart.
Chance knows exactly how you feel.
Get better soon.

His Royal Longness Returned

ACD threw an awesome cookout for the entire company today!

Best part (on top of the food) was getting to see Vince Longname!

Miss you, Vince.

This townhouse totally smells raunchy.
It's the strangest odor.
Yuck.