This weekend I decided it would be a good time to try it out.After an especially rough day at work, lack of success with my errands after work, and a headache, the night got even more interesting.
I go to Walmart to find a blue container for Kerosene. Naturally I cannot find one. Ever notice how guys are like that? They look and look and look and finally yell back to their wife that they can’t find something, and when she comes into the room…POOF…there it is. Right where she said it would be. But anyways.
I decide to ask where the blue containers are at, and was informed that they did not have any.So I bought a red one and figured I would sneak it by the gas station people.
Back in Ohio I could get away with that so long as I wrote KEROSENE on it.
Feeling especially bold, I walked into the gas station, holding the red container. I asked for one gallon of kerosene.
I had the nozzle of the pump into the container when some meat head started yelling at me. ‘Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to hang up the nozzle’.
I asked him why, playing dumb.
He informed me that it was a state law that I had to have a blue container, so I told him that I would put it in a blue container when I got home.
He then proceeds to yell again and walk to the back of my vehicle and begins to write down my license plate. I asked what he was doing and he tells me ‘Sir, if you pump that into a red container I will be forced to notify the police.’
Visions of police officers filled my head.
Something like this:He frantically calls the cops and yells hysterically into the phone.
‘Yes, is this the police? There is a guy at our gas station and he is….he is….(gasp)….putting kerosene in a ….in a….I can barely say it….RED CONTAINER!!!!’
The police are naturally just as frantic.
‘OH MY GOD IS EVERYONE ALRIGHT? We’ll be right there!’
Suddenly I am surrounded by police officers at gunpoint, with the k-9 units, the fire department, and the HAZMAT crew.
I get charged for putting kerosene in a red container and get sentenced to 7 years in a maximum security state prison. With all the other kerosene violators…the scum of the earth.
So I look to this dude, in his floppy-eared hunting hat and ask if he is serious. He tells me that he is not trying to be ‘a dick’ but he can’t allow me to pump the kerosene.
My reply had finesse. I told him he need not try to be a dick, because he already was one. I walked in and got my money back.
While returning the gas can at Walmart, what do I see right out front? Blue containers. Good grief.
So I go out into the world with my new BLUE container, and to the gas station across the street from the kerosene Nazis. They tell me that they don’t happen to sell kerosene and that I need to go across the street. Fuck that.
SO I drove from station to station, and could not find kerosene.
Theresa calls while I am frantic on the road, and losing my temper quick.
She offers to help me find kerosene, and I accepted the offer, because I wasn’t getting anywhere.
I call the Shell station in the phone book and they tell me they do not have kerosene.
I get angry and walk upstairs to throw a fit.
Theresa calls another place and finds what I am looking for.
So we drove out to get it.
I walk in, and tell the girl I want 1.5 gallons of kerosene. She tells me she doesn’t know what it costs and proceeds to ask everyone in the damned place if they know. I decided to just pump the shit and come back to pay. She seemed to like that idea too.
Fine.
I go out to pump….and nothing happens. I try a few more times. Nothing.
By now I feel my blood pressure beginning to hurt. I am getting fairly frustrated.
I walk in and she asks if something is wrong. I just stand there, not saying a word, and then ask her to please turn the pump on, in my nicest voice possible. Then I tell her it is 2.96 per gallon and I want 1.5 gallons.
She gets a tiny calculator (maybe her register doesn’t have adding capabilities) and charges my card.
I go back out, and start pumping. Finally I start seeing some pink fluid fill my BLUE container.
At one gallon it shuts off. What the hell.
Once I accepted the fact that it wasn’t going to give me my extra half gallon and that I would need to walk all the way in to get the rest of my money……
I didn’t think I slammed the nozzle that hard. But when I slammed it into place, I broke the pump.
So I stood there for a minute, opened Theresa’s door and said ‘I broke the pump..we gotta go NOW.’
So we went home without my additional half gallon of kerosene.
At least when I got home the damned heater worked. Stinks like hell, though.








































